The 3 Biggest Challenges I Face As A Dad

I want this to be a self-reflective journal entry that I hope will provide you comfort that you are not alone in the challenges of fatherhood. That you are not the only one feeling stressed and pressure each day. Being a parent is not easy. Being a husband takes investment. Running a business demands routine, support, and clear goals.

I don’t believe the number of children I have has impacted who I am, and who I want to be as a father. What has changed has been the energy it takes to be with them, care for them and balance their independent commitments. This is just a time thing. As a Dad, as a husband and as a business owner I feel that every hour is precious and cannot (or should not) be wasted. What do I mean by wasted?

• Hungover
• Binge watching reality tv
• Doom scrolling on social media
• Attempting to be a handyman around the house (small reward that detracts from time I could spend on high value tasks)

This is not to say that I do not enjoy and encourage down time. Quite the opposite. Down time is so important for rest, recovery, repair. It’s how we use this down time and what it looks like that is important.

So, what are the three biggest stressors, pressures and challenges I face as a Dad?

1. The want to be the perfect Dad. So, what does perfect look like to me?

1. 1. Never gets cranky or angry.
   2. Always has time for being silly.
   3. Is never distracted or absent in conversation.
   4. To be the best provider.
   5. To be a role model and inspiration.
   6. To be happy and relaxed all the time.
   7. To be healthy and fit.
   8. To instill and live a life of good values and ethics.
   9. To show love and make each of them feel loved, safe, and happy

2. To get my time allocation in life perfect.

I am a father. I am a husband. I am a business owner. What is the right formula? Is there a percentage split that equates to the ideal/perfect outcome? If I spend more time with the children at their events, with sports, just playing or going on holidays, where do I deduct the time from? To be the best husband it requires effort and work. I believe all relationships do. Time together one on one. Time to just sit, talk and listen. Time for love and affection. As a business owner, this is the vehicle that enables all of the financial commitments to happen. Buy food, keep the house and cars running, go on holidays and have experiences, pay for education, clothes etc. I do not have a business with others working for me that continues to generate income without my involvement. My business is focused on me and my output. So again, where do I deduct time from, to allocate to this? We all have 24 hours in the day and once we deduct the following:

• Sleep = 8 hours
• Exercise = 1 hour
• Travel time = 1 hour
• Eating and general hygiene requirements = 2 hours

We are left with 12 hours in a day. Assuming the average workday is 8 hours, this leaves us with 4 hours for children and relationships. Is this enough? Is it not? Think to the times where you have been working a 10 – 12 hours a day. How much time has this left for children and relationships?

3. To be the perfect provider.

This is one of the most common stresses and pressures my clients feel they experience. This would be (to be honest), the number #1 for me also. I have spent time unpacking why I feel this pressure to provide a certain lifestyle. To a degree it’s that whole ‘keeping up with Jones’’, it’s also ‘to be able to provide the things that I never had growing up’. To achieve the image of ‘success’ that I have in my mind. An income level, a house, a car, the holidays, the toys, the experiences, the clothes. I know that money does not buy happiness, but I still believe it buys ‘opportunities’. The question then becomes “are these opportunities necessary?”.

So now let me step back for a minute and reflect. If I sat down (which I have) and asked my children what they want, these are the comments I hear:

• I want you to play with me.
• I want you to jump on the trampoline with me.
• I want you to go to the beach with me.
• I want you to drop me at school today.
• I want to train with you.
• I want cuddles.
• I want to watch a movie with you.
• I want you to watch me play football/ballet.

And what do they NOT want:

• I don’t want you yelling any more.
• I don’t want you coming home late from work.

So where does this leave me?

Well, I have accepted there is no such thing as perfection. Pursuing perfection is an endless pursuit. I liken it to business. If you wait to launch the business when it’s perfect, you will never launch. Get to 80% and hit ‘GO’. Then, refine and improve over time. I spoke to a counsellor once and said to him, “I am worried I am going to mess up my kids because I am not the perfect parent”. His response, “Everyone f&%$s up their kids in some way”. What we discussed further to this was that sometimes we will lose our cool, act inappropriately, say something stupid or even hurtful. We are human and humans make mistakes. What I also learnt was the importance of not leaving it there when you do. If this ever happens for me, I make sure I sit down with them or when I am taking them to bed, we talk about it. Explain and understand the situation, what was said and make apologies. Always finishing with a hug and a kiss.

Not every day is going to be perfect. Some days I will have to work longer than others, some days I will miss sports due to work commitments. But this is how I manage this;

Diary management is key for me. I work on this with my clients as well. Categories and color coding! But more so, it is about valuing time, being realistic with time commitments and sticking with your commitments. I have blocked out the days that I will do school drop off, attend sports and other important events. When I make the commitment, I stick to it because I value the time. Nothing is more important to me in that moment than my commitment to my children. No phones, no emails, no social media. I am 100% totally present and they see and feel that. This commitment then extends to my relationship and my work. I block out the time, do not compromise it and make sure I am 100% present in the moment. I cannot be everywhere every time, but when I am there, I am fully present.

My final reflection is the financial self-pressure. Yes, we need $X to live, to save and to have experiences. But what are the things my children value the most? Well, look back at the list above. Very few actually cost money. What I believe our children want most is love, affection, fun and time with us. It does not matter what that time is. They simply want us, all of us, totally present and engaged with them in that moment. Playing at a park, down the beach or bouncing on a trampoline does not cost money. Is the ‘number’ you have in your budget, in your revenue target, your KPI’s relevant and realistic to being the Dad you truly want to be? Maybe…..Maybe not?

My final thought. Time is valuable and we all only have 24 hours in a day. Wasting that time being hungover, absent, or unwell is wasted time. Time that could be spent on the three key areas of life: Our Family – Our Business – Our Wellbeing. Be strict with your time. Value yourself as much as you value your clients. Be realistic with your commitments and when you show up to something you said you would show up to…..be present. I hope this helps you as a Dad, as a business owner and as a husband. It has helped me just by writing it. Which is why I encourage all my clients to practice daily journaling. You never know what will make its way into the notebook/diary.